Religion: Scientology

The Lord and Savior of mankind, the Lamb of God, the Word made incarnate by the Hand of the Almighty. Also a gun-toting, bisexual crack addict who enjoys smiting the wicked.

Religion: Monotheist

Absent most of the time. Jesus' father. Tends to be slightly saner than Jesus. The author is aware that this doesn't mean all that much.

Religion: Servant of the Outer Gods

The immortal enemy of Jesus and Heather, and a total freak. He is the Effigy of Hate, the Dweller in the Darkness, and the Faceless God; the servant of Azathoth and the Slave of the Outer Gods.

Religion: Agnostic

Jesus' rival for the souls of mankind. Jesus allows Robitussin to live as long as nobody worships him.

The Gat of the Lord
Religion: Christian

The Destroyer of Wickedness. More specifically, a Glock semiautomatic pistol usually carried by Jesus.

Religion: Christian

An avid fan of drug use, frequent sexual activity, and deviant behavior, Heather is the life of the party. Jesus' best friend.

Religion: Christian

Follower of Jesus. Yes, he's still the 'rock', but sometimes he thinks he's The Rock, and he starts asking people if they can smell what the Apostle is cooking.

Religion: Unknown

The voice of reason in an insane world. But only when he hasn't been drinking. He only drinks when he's by himself, or when he's not by himself. That is, he never drinks alone, except when he does.

Steve One
Religion: Mormon (Scientology)

One of the Kings of Utah, and a closet Scientologist. Jesus made him eat eighty dollars worth of quarters once. Has a bad gambling addiction.

Steve Two
Religion: Mormon

The other member of the Kings of Utah. He is also the saner of the two. Hates Steve One's faith in Scientology, and taunts him constantly about it.

Religion: Nation of Islam

Imagine a puppet with a fondness of guns, liquor, drugs, and a burning desire to kill all the white people in the world. Doesn't realize that he is a puppet most likely being operated by a white person.

Negative Malcolm X
Religion: Islam

Elmo's mentor. He doesn't really hate white people and is, for the most part, fairly sane. Scared whitless by Elmo and his obsession with drugs, guns, and the Race War. Tries desperately to save Elmo from a life of addiction and incarceration.

Charlie Brown
Religion: Robitussin Worship

Robitussin's apprentice. Looks incredibly similar to an American cult leader with a giant 'R' branded onto his forehead.


Religion: Servant of Tsathoggua

A mystical interdimensional donkey from the nothingness beyond human comprehension, created with hatred and the fury of the Furry Toad God for one purpose: to plague the existance of Jesus.


Religion: Servant of the Outer Gods

The physical manifestation of the Furry Toad God. Currently a strange, twisted animal laying on the floor of Heather's home. Bears a massive hatred for Jesus, for unknown reasons.